You can have sex, do whatever you want!

On Saturday I found myself making a lackluster, last ditch effort to find some pink shoes to wear to the Forever Pink Prom (which was AWESOME!), in hopes that I could go with my black Nicole Miller sexy time dress instead of the hot pink vintage number I wore to the shower. The mission was an epic fail but I did do the most random thing I think I have ever done…

I went into this store called Fashion Addiction which I’ve always looked at when I go to the jewelry store or the Starbucks next door but never actually gone in. It’s supposed to be name brand consignment so what the hell. Right off the bat I have some elderly Asian woman following me around the store not speaking to me (cause I am pretty sure she doesn’t speak English) and then giving me this weird smile each time I look at her willing her to read my mind that is screaming, “WTF are you  looking at???” I had decided to leave when a man (this is a woman’s store) walks in and says, “Jennifer sent me”. So I pretend to look at knockoff Chanel clutches and listen to the dialogue:

Young Man: Uh hi, I uh…

Young Asian Woman (not to be confused with the Old Asian Woman following me around): What your name?

YM: Um, Jennifer told me-

YAW (interrupting him): Is she the RN? (registered nurse) How she look?

YM: Um, yeah, she also works for me. She looks amazing.

YAW: She lost eight pounds in ten days. Look at me! I lost 21 pounds! These pants junior size!

YM: Yeah, uh-

That’s when the YAW looks (glares) at me and says, “can I help you with anything else?” I drop the Chanel clutch and say, “no, I’m just interested in how this chick lost eight pounds in ten days.”

The woman (who I am convinced is on some sort of uppers) then does a personality 180 and is all over me like white on rice. It went so fast. I didn’t know what I was doing. I was caught up in the moment? I am frustrated that the 5 pounds of pre wedding weight I shed are already back? All I know is I walked out of there with a ziploc baggy of pills and instructions scribbled out on the back of a business card.

Anyone know anything about Japanese Herbal Detoxification pills? I am supposed to take one of these per day and drink 5 ounces of aloe juice and voila! I’ll be 5-10 lbs lighter!

Here are some of the comments that the YAW spat at me while I was debating this…

“We have 153 client! Police officer, RN, doctor!”

“I know you don’t believe me, that ok.”

“Now that I take your money I should tell you about the negatives of these Skinny Pill”

“Remember, you are what you eat”

“No drugs, no speed, no diarrhea!”

“Don’t you think I look skinnier?”

"We sell to lot's of call girl and escort"

“You funny, can I meet your husband?”

And my personal favorite (which she said multiple times without my asking): “You can eat whatever you want, have sex, whatever!”

They are still in my purse, waiting for me to decide what to do…When I told my friends at prom they all expressed genuine concern about my health, but also definitely want the number of the YAW if it works!

This is What I’m Talkin’ About!

I am one of those people who believes that birthdays are the one day a year where you really lay out the red carpet. You show someone how much you love them, you take them to lunch, you allow them to call the shots and then you go back to taking them for granted the next day.

Consequently, I am also one of those people that has unrealistically high expectations for my own birthday. Every year I practice acting like I don’t have any expectations: “Don’t you dare get me anything!” or, “Let’s just have burgers at Red Robin!” and my favorite, “it’s really just a nothing year.” Ahahaha! Who am I kidding? They say you should give selflessly, and I truly think I do but, my amazing selfless birthday loving does come with a hint of hope for good birthday karma.

But this year, THIS year, I truly think I had myself convinced that I had no expectations for my birthday. For starters, I forgot it was even my birthday until Jim said “happy birthday” to me yesterday morning. Also, Jim took me to San Diego a few weeks ago for a joint Valentine’s Day/Birthday gift. So really, I had little to no expectations. Ok, maybe I hinted that I wanted flowers a few weeks ago, but that’s it, I swear!

So you can imagine my surprise when I had THE BEST BIRTHDAY EVER! It started off with an adorable gift from Jim: Sexy Dexy, Devil Kitty  has an obsession with destroying those white Mac USB cords (yeah, the ones that cost like a bizillion dollars). Over the past few months we’ve discovered that he likes them in particular because they are white. Our cat is racist. I tried buying a generic black one (cause Mac is also racist and only makes white cords) but it konked out on me in a few months time. So Jim bought me a white one and colored the whole thing with black sharpie! How awesome is that?

Then, I get to work to find this amazing spread of totally wedding diet friendly baked goods. I had a cookie and two doughnuts by noon. At noon my girlfriends at work took me to Rich’s burgers where I had another very diet friendly meal. THEN, I get flowers…not just any flowers, but DELIVERY flowers! I think I’ve gotten delivery flowers like once in my whole life. I felt waaaay cool. I also got a shout out on Emily’s blog!

 When I get home Jim tells me that we need to leave at 7 for dinner reservations but because I put demands on people, someone is coming by at 6:45 to personally deliver a gift. He’s got such a way with words. Well, my friend Matt hand delivered me a handmade cheesecake! And yes, I may or may not have requested an entire cheesecake for my birthday when I heard the news that cheesecake was his specialty. Sue me.

As if the night couldn’t get any better, Jim took me to Salt Lake’s finest: La Caille. The food was incredible…the atmosphere…interesting (read about it here) and the pearl drop earrings I rocked? BEST HUSBAND (to be) EVER.

I should probably also say that I am one of those people who is a big fan of Birthday Week and so this shit is just getting started, ‘yall! On Saturday I am taking my favorite gay to the Pink Prom and next Saturday we are having a Mardi Gras themed birthday party!

Wow, wow, WOW!

Just got back from the Bay Area where we had our first real pre-wedding celebration: a co-ed wedding shower! It was fabulous; good food, good wine, good people.  BIG thank you to Megan, Sarah, Connie and Andie for making it so super amazing. What was so amazing you might ask…

My favorite girls

For starters, it was co-ed. I like me a girls’ night just as much as the next gal but the thought of having something so special about OUR day without Jim didn’t seem right…oh and boys make things more fun.

Not everyone got the funny face memo...

Also it was wine themed. Duh. For “games” we had a blind wine tasting and a decorate-a-wine-glass station. Megan made amazing tapas to go with and Sarah made adorable wedding cupcakes. I have only had a chance to look at a few of the glasses but let’s just say that boys make things more fun.

Adorable, right?

Sidenote: I know it seems like I was born to have all eyes on me (no, really) but this was actually really nerve racking! I mean, I thought that I was going to just relish in all of this wedding attention but in reality, I was so nervous for the first hour or so of this party (until the sangria kicked in) that I literally thought I was going to poop my pants.



My brother and wonderful sister-in-law

The next day we got to taste cake at our venue! It was a unanimous decision (me, Jim, Megan and Derek) that we would have two layers of lemon poppy seed with apricot and pineapple filling and one layer of chocolate with a raspberry cabernet mousse filling. Then we went to Deerfield winery at the recommendation of my parents…which ended up being an experience that eerily reminded me of the scene in Pretty Woman where they don’t have “any clothes that will fit (Julie Roberts)” and ask her to “please leave”. You can read about that here. We had a much better experience at Kunde before we headed back for the peninsula.

As if the weekend couldn’t get any better, we ended it watching the sunset from Cause and Tracy’s beach front apartment in Point Richmond. Has anyone ever heard of Point Richmond? It is literally a diamond in the ghetto. On our way Derek was making sure I had each direction correct because Richmond is not a place where you want to get lost. But Point Richmond? Holy hell, what a find! Cute downtown area and bay views from most of the amazing homes. Eating dill cheese and sipping on Kunde Sauvignon Blanc in front of a bonfire on the beach? Yes please!  

Sexy Dexy, Devil Kitty

I dearly love my cat, Dexter and Jim outright favors him to both Molly and me. But, I think he might be the devil. Emily agreed to cat-sit him once, (and afterward told me to never ask her again) calls him Devil Kitty. You can read about the incident that caused Emily to give Dexter his nickname here.

I call him Sexy Dexy, Jim calls him D-Bag.

Ever since he was a kitten he has been spoiled rotten. Born into the household of a gay man; who when transferring ownership of Dexter gave us both “healthy food” from Whole Foods and “the ice cream topping” which was Purina from Smith’s. Dexter had it made from the get go. HA! We thought: healthy food and ice cream topping, who does that?

Even though we ditched the two food thing (we stuck with the ice cream topping thank you very much), we can’t help but spoil him. He loves to hang out, loves the dog, and wakes me up by rubbing his very furry and soft face to mine. It is literally the highlight of all of my mornings. But, if I don’t get up within about 15-30 minutes of that adorable face rub, my feet are getting attacked cause he is hungry, damnit.



Dexter in one of his Cute Morning Moments



The neighbors hate him. He is a born rebel, loves the outdoors, has even been hit by a car. He puts the other neighborhood cats in their place and ends up at the vet nearly once a month. He poops in their gardens and eats their cats’ food. He even invites himself in to our neighbors’ homes every once in a while when it is especially cold outside.

Every now and then we keep Dexter’s kitty door locked. When this happens it causes Dexter to go practically farrell. It makes him run around like a mad cat and attack unsuspecting humans and Mollys. Usually it is because he is on antibiotics but sometimes, we just simply forget to unlock it in the mornings. Last week, we had one of those mornings.

Our driveway has a gate at the end of it and when we push it open, it makes a sound that you would expect a metal gate to make. That sound triggers a Pavlovian reaction in Dexter and he comes screaming up the sidewalk from wherever he has been and sits at the doorstep waiting for you to open the door and feed his fat butt. So, you can imagine my surprise when this particular day, Dexter did not show up. I opened the backdoor and there he is, pissed. I went down to feed him and change the laundry only to find a single kitty poop nugget on top of my washer. It was equivalent to a mobster cutting off my pinkie. You know, a warning. I am thinking about entering a Witness Protection Program…

Dexter right before he swipes at my face for daring to take his photo

Pouring One Out For My Homie

I’d like to take a minute to toot my girl Stacey’s proverbial horn.  She gave birth to her first child, Leroy Adam Parker at 6:42 AM on Sunday morning.  Big deal you might think, women have babies all the time…well check this woman out:

Stacey is one of those people that you are so jealous of but in the most genuine, non-bitchy way.  The thing about her is that everything she’s good at, everything she achieves, she absolutely deserves cause she works so damn hard. That said, certain things also tend to come easy for her…(likely because she has alien super powers).

As you can probably tell by reading her blog, pregnancy didn’t stop this girl from anything. I’ve never been pregnant so I am by no means an expert on this but, it seemed she did a lot more and could handle a lot more than one would expect out of a pregnant woman. I mean, the girl finished the nursery (complete with DIY décor), baked for a superbowl party and worked at her accounting firm all up until the very last day of her pregnancy! Jim, take note: I will not be doing ANY of this. YOU will be.

Saturday night around 9 PM I get a call from Stacey letting me know she’s in labor. The girl went to the hospital to get something checked out and found out she was in labor with contractions only three minutes apart! She didn’t even feel them. Not one.

Sunday morning I get a call around 7:30 AM from a chipper Stacey saying, “he’s here!”. I stumble from my slumber stupor and ask when? How? Length? Weight? HOW ARE YOU? Well…she tells me that she couldn’t feel the contractions so they had to give her Pitocin which you can read here  increases the likelihood of an epidural request (which I am sure you can probably guess, Stacey tried to do without). But she got one anyway. She had to start pushing at 6 and he came at 6:42 and she called me (which was likely not her first call) at 7:30.

Go girl!

Ebay and Fetishes

I took a cue from Emily and decided to try my luck at selling a few things on Ebay. I mean, I have these fabulous Aldo heels that I’ve only worn once and enough purses to stuff a mattress with so why not see if I can get a little cash, right? So I list 12 items in all, mostly shoes and purses.

I’m not very good at this and receive NO action the first few days. So you can imagine my excitement when I get a message regarding some classic, pointed toe Chinese Laundry pumps! Here is the conversation that follows:

Interested Buyer:

i am a guy that likes womens shoes (not too wear) have these been worn recently? could they be worn before shipping??

thanks

Me (being originally from the San Francisco Bay Area, I am not shocked at all at the thought of a man in women’s heels):

Hi! They have been worn previously but not very recently. There is sign of wear on the inside near the ball of the foot...but as you can tell from the pictures, everything else looks new. But they are "broken in".

Does this help answer your question? Thanks for looking!

IB:

I am not going to wear them. If I win would love it you wore them out, to work etc before shipping.

thanks

Me: (in my head) WTF?

IB:

hi,

if you want to change it to buy it now at any time let me know and i will buy them. if you dont thats ok too.

So you can imagine what I am thinking here: A- This is so weird, gross, unprofessional, etc. and, B- I wonder how much this guy will buy my shoes for?! So what do I do? I change it to $30 Buy It Now price and say:

I'll change to buy it now.
I'll also wear them to work and ship them from there.

Cheers!

So the next day I get a message from IB asking my first name. Gross. My first thought is to let this go now…but after a (mostly joking) suggestion of Jim, I told him I’ll tell him my first name when he buys the shoes at $30. Nearly immediately, I get a response…

IB:

hello,

Your a good business woman. LOL. I think it starts with a D. I am not going to wear these and wish I had a whole of money. I will go the auction route. Funny, I bought another pair of shoes and the woman is in Utah.

So he bought them at their listed $4.99 price and then sent me some special requests for packaging:

IB:

Hello,

could you plse wrap brown paper around the shoe box? thanks. Also, if you could wear them before shipping that would be awesome. i dont know how cold it is in SLC, but barefoot is best. I will give you glowing feedback. I wish you luck with your other auction items. Thanks,

Well, I tried my best at taking advantage of the very weird fetish but it didn’t work out so well. I’ll wrap them in brown paper for the little stinker and just forget this ever happened. I feel sort of dirty!

Crossfit – Still with it!

Despite the fact that I pretty much never stick to a diet and/or exercise regimen, I am still doing Crossfit! I’ve been going for a total of three weeks now (about 2-3 times per week), and I think I like it (sidenote- ask me in a few months if I am still doing Crossfit. Actually, ask me in a few months if I am still paying for Crossfit and if I am still going).

Although it is not supposed to be a competition, I don’t really like to come in last. So last Monday, I was pleased to see that after the first 800m run, I was third from last! In very last was a woman about my age and likely about 200 lbs. She sets up her wall ball exercise next to me and, very nicely, points out that I am not squatting when I catch the ball. I swear that I am but the fact that I can no longer even feel my legs has me giving her the benefit of the doubt. So I thank her and continue with the exercise trying my best not to crumble to the floor. As I head out the door for my 400m run, I see her coming in. Wow, I think to myself, she really hustled. As I head out the door for my last 800m run, I see her returning again…but not in the direction one would return from when running 800m but from the 400m direction. Come to think of it, I didn’t even see her doing air squats with the rest of us. I put it all together: she’s cheating! The woman who told me what’s what is cheating!

I talk to my Crossfit guru, Jerilyn about it and she says it happens all the time and (in a whisper tone) especially with the larger people. I talk to Jim about it and he points out that she is nearly 75 lbs heavier than me and is likely advised to go a little easier. True, true. But still, girlfriend had the balls to critique my form and then skipped exercises all together!

So Monday night, despite the nasty cold that is hovering around my cloudy head, I make it to Crossfit. We have a pretty intense workout and I am literally dying: throat on  fire, hate my life, dying. Again, I don’t come in last, but damn near it at 13 minutes. As I catch my breath and head out of the gym, I pass the Cheater on my way out (still working out, still against the clock) and it hits me: either consciously, or subconsciously (still figuring it out) I left out my last round of lateral hurdle hops. I’m a cheater! And the more I think about it, the more I realize that I think I did it on purpose. I feel so guilty because my friends are naming her the “fatty cheater”. Maybe we all have off days?

Oh, f*cking sue me, I had a cold and a side cramp!  

What is Wrong With the SLC Police Force?

As I am sure you know by now, our house was robbed.  Cops came, stayed for a whopping 15 minutes and said a detective would be calling us within 7-10 business days. Jim and I spent that weekend (since it happened on a Friday and according to the SLC police force: Saturday and Sunday are not business days) trying to crack the case. We made a printout list of missing items with photos and distributed them to the local pawn shops. We found out where the dirt bags used our credit card and obtained surveillance video of the culprits. The detective seemed impressed when we spoke with him 7-10 days later. Jim sent him the surveillance video at his request that day. We haven’t heard a word since.

We have an issue with escaping dogs in our neighborhood. Surprisingly, not our dog. But Jim has spent many a Saturday afternoons corralling dogs into our backyard and calling their owners. So on Saturday when I took Molly for a walk I wasn’t surprised to see a small Toyota crawling up the street yelling, “Raaaaaanger!” as I left the house. We go for a nice, brisk 30 minute walk and as I approach our house there is a cop car moving slowly behind me. I think that he is here because there is a stray dog. Silly me. There is a somewhat unkempt man chasing after the cop car. They all stop right in front of my house. Cop gets out of the car. I look up the street just in time to see two loose dogs trotting toward me. Molly is kind of a meanie on a leash so I try to keep her away from other dogs when we walk but obviously, this effort is pointless when the other dogs are not on leashes themselves. So Molly of course makes a mean growl and barks at the dogs. One of the dogs is not pleased and literally tries to take a chunk out of Molly’s back (which is thankfully protected by her Special People Harness) and so she is unharmed. I am freaking out! I pull her leash but don’t want to put my hand in there and then I think, wait! There’s a cop who will help me. I look over to find him just watching this. I scream, “can you please help me?” He walks over to me and says, “just keep moving ma’am.” I yell back, “this is my f*cking house!”. Then, the unkempt man shoos the other dogs away. The cop says, “sorry, I thought those dogs belonged to you.”