Validating Dads at the Lesbians' Expense

Tonight at a Breastfeeding Basics class Jim and I endured 2 and 1/2 hours of extreme discomfort. But not for the reason your thinking. We held up plastic babies with little "oh" faces to our chests like proud parents, so, no sweat in that department. No, what made us uncomfortable was the way our instructor addressed all of the non-pregnant people in the room. She called them all dads. This sounds normal at first. Until you see the very obvious lesbian couple at the far end of the room. 

"What's the benefit of breastfeeding for dads?" she said. I couldn't even look up from the table. 

"How many dads do we have in the room?" she pointed at and counted three out of the four support partners, completely skipping over Lara. I picked at my hangnails.

And so this went. For 2 and 1/2 hours. 

At one point Jim raised his hand, "I think one of the benefits breastfeeding has for PARTNERS is that it forces us to find other things to do to help out, like household chores. That is something PARTNERS can do." She puts a tally mark under the "dad" column. 

As the class wraps up the instructor gives us "anonymous" feedback cards. I gesture to Jim, indicating that we should note the exclusive nature of how she addressed the support people in the group. "Oh no", he whispers, "I'm sticking around to talk to her." 

After everyone had left, Jim approached the instructor in a very professional manner, pointing out that out of the four couples, her constant use of the term "dad" excluded one. She responded very quickly that she knows this is a problem and that she is trying to work on it. She's been doing this for 27 years and only recently has she had to watch her terms more carefully. We are satisfied with this response until she adds, "but I do want to validate the dads in the room and so I try to use both 'dad' and 'support partners'." Seriously? If your a dad and your reading this, does the term "partner" offend you? Or do you see it as a modern, overarching term for one half of a committed relationship?

This week I talked with my sixth graders about discrimination. They bravely shared stories about times they felt discriminated against or witnessed discrimination. One part of the assignment that followed required them to write what they would do if they ever saw it or experienced it again. They all said they would stand up for themselves and others. 

And here I was, ready to "anonymously" tell on this outdated woman. 

But Jim did exactly what I would want to see my students do: approach the situation in a firm but respectful manner; let it be known that discriminatory behavior is uncomfortable for everyone. I'm so proud of my husband and cannot wait for him to show Olivia how to stand up to the injustices we see in our world.