While
my world didn’t know I was with child, I was busy compiling a list of how much
it sucks. Here are the things that no one tells you about pregnancy (first
trimester addition):
1. You don’t
have a “glow” at first. Your shit breaks out.
2. You’re
not “showing” this early. You just have lost the ability to suck in your gut.
3. Your
favorite perfume will smell like a garbage disposal.
4. Your gums
are hella sensitive! I went to the dentist and thought my jaw was going to
crumble out of my mouth the rest of the day.
5. This part
goes SOOOOO slow!
6. You don’t
feel ANYTHING besides a hangover. Yeah, your boobs swell, and your bloated, and
constipated but, you have no other inclination that there is a tiny embryo, and then
a fetus in your womb. None.
7. You will
have a very serious concern that you are an alcoholic or other substance abuser
because you feel very awkward at social functions sober (until the hangover
feeling kicks in and then you will dry heave if you even think about hooch).
8. You will
“crave” greasy food that isn’t good for you. You’ll go out and buy it. You will
eat half of it. Then it becomes the grossest thing on the planet and you’ll
throw it away.
9. When your
hangover suddenly dissipates for a day (or an hour) you will freak the f*ck out
that it didn’t stick.
10. When it all goes away and you realize this shitty phase was only a few weeks long...you realize your one lucky pregnant lady!
