While
my world didn’t know I was with child, I was busy compiling a list of how much
it sucks. Here are the things that no one tells you about pregnancy (first
trimester addition):
1. You don’t
have a “glow” at first. Your shit breaks out.
2. You’re
not “showing” this early. You just have lost the ability to suck in your gut.
3. Your
favorite perfume will smell like a garbage disposal.
4. Your gums
are hella sensitive! I went to the dentist and thought my jaw was going to
crumble out of my mouth the rest of the day.
5. This part
goes SOOOOO slow!
6. You don’t
feel ANYTHING besides a hangover. Yeah, your boobs swell, and your bloated, and
constipated but, you have no other inclination that there is a tiny embryo, and then
a fetus in your womb. None.
7. You will
have a very serious concern that you are an alcoholic or other substance abuser
because you feel very awkward at social functions sober (until the hangover
feeling kicks in and then you will dry heave if you even think about hooch).
8. You will
“crave” greasy food that isn’t good for you. You’ll go out and buy it. You will
eat half of it. Then it becomes the grossest thing on the planet and you’ll
throw it away.
9. When your
hangover suddenly dissipates for a day (or an hour) you will freak the f*ck out
that it didn’t stick.
10. When it all goes away and you realize this shitty phase was only a few weeks long...you realize your one lucky pregnant lady!
"Awww,I didn't have a shitty phase,When I was
ReplyDeletepregnant bla bla bla " are you sick and tired of hearing about everyone else's pregnancies yet? Well unfortunately that phase of pregnancy last the entire 40 weeks! Here's a tip:
you should milk the morning sickness card a bit longer and when folks get on a roll with details of labor and the delivery, stare off into the distance and thrown down the hurl card and vacate ASAP! Everyone love to tell you about their stories, but no one ever tell's you about the changes... all the f'in changes!!!
It is all going to change,just like everything else on this planet. And if that dosn't bring you to tears (have you hit that phase yet?) know that at some point it will. Pregnancy and motherhood is one GIANT freaking roller coaster ride, except you can't see the track. You want to be on the ride, then you want to be off. The ascend up the big hill is too slow and you want it to hurry up, and then you are going too fast down the hill and you want to slow down. the track levels out and you get to catch your breath and the WTF!! A sudden drop out of no where! But just like any awesome coaster, at some point you close your eyes, grab on and scream like never before because you just can't believe how awesome it is.
Here is my "first trimester" advice. This coaster ride is all yours. Yes Jim is there,and I will assume he is the most awesome hubby :-) but in all honestly this ride IS all about you.
You thought you were an independent,strong, powerful,successful, brave, bad ass woman before. HA HA! You have no idea that you are only a shadow of who you are about to become.
Motherhood is the most undescriable empowering thing you will ever do. So far beyond any Hallmark Card or TLC movie. Hard to swallow when you think of all the things that will change, and give up ( i think we had this conversation at someone's bath? ...hhhmmm?) MANY will completely amaze you and blow your mind and you will find yourself saying "I can't believe this is happening, I can't believe I did this" So many many good things, and you will want to bask in that glory forever.
Some changes will completely suck. And it will suck that it sucks,and it will take forever for it to leave your head. And you will want to have a pity party so someone else besides you will complain about how bad it sucks. (highly recommended by the way)
Know this to be true. No matter what you are thinking,or felling, good or bad, psycho or sane, YOU ARE NEVER ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!! Empathy, compassion and understanding are just a phone call away, and sista' you have lots of numbers to call :-) Welcome to the club!!!
I am pretty sure i have warned everyone about #2!
ReplyDeleteLove you!