An alternate title for this post is: Here’s Another Story I’ll Have to Remove From my Blog When I Become a Teacher
On Friday night the boys went up to Park City to have a Gay Dudes Unite where I hear there was cigar smoking and naked cannonballs into the hot tub. Anyway, not to be outdone, we ladies decided to hit the town…
A man I work with is the lead singer of a red-neck-y, classic rock cover band. He is the only Mormon in the band and thus needed a drinking following in order to please the bar owner. Enter widowed ladies. He had forewarned us about the “Hoochies” who are the young, Mormon neighbors of his that dance very seductively at his shows and then show up to church with their kids the next day.
Anywho, the band was actually really good! The booze selection, not so much. How do you not have wine?
So I am sipping on my vodka tonic when a sweaty, beautiful, young gal barges in between Andrea and Stacey shouting, “I AM SO THIRSTY!”. The thing is, there are maybe 30 people total in the place, needless to say, there were plenty of empty spots at the bar for Ms. Thirsty to stand at. Andrea and Stacey look at her with that “oh honey, you’re so drunk” look in their eyes and coax her to ask the bar tender for water even though she hasn’t ordered any alcohol all night. She indicates that she had brought her own “party substance” which we thought to mean a flask in her purse (sidenote: GREAT idea!).
A few minutes later, Ms. Thirsty is back, and has again wedged herself in between Andrea and Stacey. I continue my conversation with Steph but keep this sideshow in my peripheral. Ms. Thirsty has Andrea’s face in her hands, rubbing her eyebrows, her lips and then, SHE KISSES HER! Unsolicited, lips slightly open, kisses her. So now Steph and I are not only staring but also leaning in a bit closer so we can save Andrea should she give us The Look. Ms. Thirsty glares at Steph, shouts “STOP LOOKING AT US!” and physically pushes her toward me. Now nearly the entire bar is watching this.
Ms. Thirsty thinks Andrea is a lesbian (is what I am thinking). Ok, that’s fine. I thought Andrea was a lesbian at first too (very few women in SLC have the awesome haircut that Andrea has, sue me). So I step in. Keep in mind that this is a shouting conversation as the music is very loud.
Me: “Is everything OK here?”
Andrea: (with a smile on her face cause she is so damn nice), “yeah it’s fine”
Ms. Thirsty: “You see, I’m biiiiiiiiiii”
Me: “Yes, and you think Andrea is a lesbian?”
Andrea: “Not exactly, tell her what you thought”
Ms. Thirsty: “IN KOREEEEAAAAA, you can’t tell the men from the women”
Me: “uh huh…”
Ms. Thirsty: “I’ve been to KOREEEEAAAA. In Korean drama, you can’t tell the men from the women. NETFLIX IT!”
Me: “Well Andrea here is a thespian” (she slam dunked her acting debut in Mid Summer’s Night’s Dream a few weeks ago)
Andrea: “She asked me if I was a man or a woman”
Me: …
Ms. Thirsty: “I am soooooo sorry! You are soooooo beautiful!” plants a second, unsolicited, lips slightly open kiss.
The girl is slurring her words, is bi-sexual, Mormon (I know this because she was a confirmed Hoochie), beautiful, not drinking (doesn’t even smell like alcohol) and had been grinding on the dance floor with her eyes closed all night. She then goes to the bathroom with another beautiful woman. For a long time. When she gets out, she continues to pet and coo at Andrea. This girl is on something.
Turns out, Ms. Thirsty and her Beautiful Buddy are the sort of “bad girls” of the Hoochies group. And they, get this, grind up and SNORT their kids’ Adderall for a good time. WTF?
Now I just feel bad. What started out as what I thought was a Molly Mormon’s first night on the hooch and feeling out her suppressed sexuality turns out to be a complete train wreck. This girl needs some serious help! But you better believe I am going to see this band play again.
