Nearly all of the women in my life who are mothers (biological or otherwise) have told me that the love I will feel for my baby will be like no other love I can imagine. I've even been told that I will love my baby more than my husband.
While I knew this was most likely true (maybe not the 'more than my husband' part), I certainly didn't think I'd feel it while pregnant. Until last week.
Sure I've "loved" the little bugger growing inside me. I've loved the thought of holding her, smelling her, caressing and feeding her. Once we found out we were having a girl, that love definitely intensified. But I wouldn't say it was a 'love I've never known'. But last week, while I was driving into work the song "Ho Hey" came on. I love this song and so I started singing it and dancing in my seat and playing my belly like a drum. I was telling Livie that the song was Bob and Steph's song and that one day she'll meet them. She started to move like she normally does when I play music (or play my belly like a drum). Then I noticed the words I was singing:
"I belong with you, you belong with me your my sweet-heart!"
Olivia literally belongs with me. She is inside my belly. I am housing her, feeding her, keeping her warm. When she arrives Jim will share those responsibilities with me. She will belong to us and we will belong to her in a manner that is different than the way we belong to each other. Was this the love?
Holy shit! What an amazing feeling.
Two days after this astonishing moment I had a terrifying one. Jim was in line for a movie on the sidewalk outside the theater. As I made my way toward him I hit some black ice and slipped. I landed hard on my knee and was on my back before I knew it. Jim came running over and lifted me off the ground. He kept asking if I was OK and all I could say was, "did I fall on my belly?" I knew I fell on my knee and ended up on my back but how did I get from knee to back?? Once we entered the theater Jim asked again if I was OK? Again I said, "did I fall on my belly?" He said he didn't think so. But I couldn't feel her moving! We stood at our seats for several moments as I held back tears and we both had our hands on my belly willing Olivia to move. We must have been a site. She finally moved. It wasn't until about half way into the film that I calmed down. Was this the love too?
I love my parents; I love them like I love no other parents because they are MY parents. I love my siblings; I love them like I love no other siblings. I love my husband in a manner that I love no one else. And here was this brand new love that I truly have never known before.
I am still so emotional about it.
I know I will be for the rest of my life.
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