What People Don't Tell You About Pregnancy: The Postpartum Edition

I'm officially a mom now, yay! The last two months have been a whirlwind of joy, exhaustion, fear and WTF-ness. Inspired by this post on Baby Sideburns, I've decided to make a list of things no one tells you about the first few weeks (and months for that matter) of your new life, postpartum.

1. You feel like you got hit by a truck. No, I didn't think that I'd skip out of the hospital, but I wasn't prepared for the inability to sit, anywhere, for a long period of time, or the infamous "spray bottle" for after you pee…for six freaking weeks. I also wasn't prepared for my diapers to be ten times the size of my new baby's:

2. You may wish you didn't jump on the procreation wagon. At all. One week after returning from the hospital my parents called me and, against my better judgement I answered. They asked how things were going and I held back tears. I said it was rough. They asked what they could do to help and in my head I said, "put her back in my belly". Taking care of a squirmy blob that does nothing but take from you is a total mind f*ck.

3. Newborns are boring. Even once they start doing heart-soaring things like smiling, they are still boring. I can only babble at/with her, shake a rattle, and read to her for so long. So, watch TV, play on your phone, respond to emails all while she sits there with zero guilt. She's dry, fed, and obviously loved. Parents need breaks too.

4. That heart-soaring smile I mentioned? One of those makes up for every 3 shitty things (blow-outs, 2 AM feedings, general pissy-ness, etc.) Truth.

5. Night and day do not exist for about the first 6 weeks. So, if your lucky enough to be at home that long: eat breakfast at midnight, shower at noon (or every three days), hit the sack at 11 AM. It seriously doesn't matter. Just survive.

6. Allow your support partner to help out in any way he or she can. Don't micromanage the assistance. Be grateful for it.

7. On that same note, accept the help/food/flowers/grocery shopping from your friends and family without fretting about writing thank-you's or keeping a log of who you need to "get back" one of these days. These people love you. And they know your completely out of commission at the moment. They do things for you out of the goodness in their hearts. Nothing more.

8. You are doing a GREAT job. Seriously. These early weeks are all about keeping you and that baby alive. So, if that is achieved, your winning!