Now That I’m Less Than Two Months Away Your Gonna Get a Lot of Wedding Posts

Yesterday I thought I was going to develop am ulcer. Literally. I couldn’t even muster up the strength to attend Family Dinna and Jersey Shore at Matt and Emily’s last night.

To make a long, dramatic story short, my venue still hasn’t returned my emails/calls and I’ve found out that their on-site wedding coordinator has left to concentrate on her own wedding planning business. But, here’s the kicker: NO ONE let me know that. I happened to Google the gal’s name and found out she started her own business. What does a stressed out bride do now?

Sends in her DAD.

Since I have the world’s greatest DAD, I am pleased to say that we are getting the original wedding planner back to not only fulfill the contractual agreement of running our wedding day, but also our rehearsal! There’s also a sort of love triangle story mixed up in here but it’s safe to say that I don’t ever have to attempt to contact the venue owner again…cause Lori is gonna (hopefully) kick some butt.

As I am filling some friends in of this surprisingly pleasant outcome at lunch today, Emily interrupts me and shouts, “DON’T MOVE.” As she inches toward my head, I’m thinking there is a bee in my hair. No. Just my very first, extremely long, disgusting, TWO grey hairs. As she yanks them both out she says, “that’s the longest whitest grey hair I’ve seen on someone as young as you.” Great. My wedding is literally giving me grey hair.

I put them in my pocket to show Jim so he’ll feel bad for me.

UPDATE:

I showed Jim the grey hair. He didn't feel bad for me. He just thought it was gross that I kept my grey hairs in my coat pocket all day.

Planning a wedding is fun!

Now, say this over and over with a smile plastered on your face until you believe it!

Ok, planning a wedding is fun…most of the time. But there are parts of it that kinda suck. Like when your (albeit adorable) but kooky venue owner can’t respond to an email. Or when somebody thinks you snubbed her boyfriend. Jeez Louise, people.

To the wedding gods (cause I hope someone hears me, damnit):

1. There are only three children of an eating age allowed at our wedding (and simply cause they’re in it). They aren’t going to eat $80 salmon. Can I purchase something else for them?

            1a. And by the way, three year olds are not still being fed formula.

2. Just because I told you a few children would be present does not mean I requested childcare.

3. I didn’t know you had a boyfriend, please accept my apologies, I obviously didn’t mean it.

4.  If traditionally you invite out of town guests to your rehearsal dinner…what do you do at a destination wedding? Do you have the entire wedding go to both?

Amen.

Oh but there is fun stuff too! For example, over the last several weeks on trash day, our house has looked like the day after Christmas. Our recycle bin is overflowing with discarded  boxes that held fabulous things. People are so generous when you get married!

Each day I get home from work to find a big brown package sitting on the dining room table. Jim is usually on the couch asleep or watching TV. I literally sprint to the table, ignoring an ecstatic Molly and yell, “WHAT IS IT?!” Jim lifts his head slightly and says, “I don’t know” then turns back to the TV. Clearly he has no idea how much his life is going to change now that I have a FOOD PROCESSOR!  Or how much easier it will be for him to clean the couches with our BISSELL PET HAIR REMOVER!

With all this new shwag, I feel like a true domestic goddess. Last night I walked over to our new pot rack as opposed to bending down to sift through a disorganized mess in the cupboard, grabbed two new gorgeous pots and practically floated through making spaghetti.  And last week, I made a favorite of ours: chickpea and black bean quesadillas and Jim actually said, “yeah, this is much better the food processor way.” HA!

Crazy Voodoo Pills Diary - Day 11

Well what a crock. $68 ($74 with tax) wasted and what do I have to show for it? Ten full days of depriving myself of beer and soda (carbonation is a no-no), ten days and only 3 number 2's, ten days and 3 measly pounds.

I'd like to take credit for those 3 pounds myself. Giving up beer and watching what I eat a little closer is all that took.

So there's your answer, kids. There is no such thing as a "Skinny Pill". Well, not one without speed or some sort of appetite suppressant. Damn.

A Jimism for your Friday

Here is mine and Jim's conversation that took place on our way into work this morning:

ME: So what do you have going on this morning?

JIM: Oh well I am going to dedicate two hours to writing this paper and then I have a meeting with that psychologist and a grad student. In the afternoon, when I lose my edge, I am going to work on the conference.

ME: Lose your edge?

JIM: Yeah, in terms of thinking, I peak generally around 9-11 am.

ME: That’s pretty lame considering you didn't get up until after 7.

JIM: Dawn, I work an 8 hour day, I just peak from 9-11.

ME: But most people who work 8 hour days peak more around noon or one.

JIM: Yeah but most people are morons. Albert Einstein probably peaked at like 8:35 to 8:40 am and look at how much he accomplished.

Crazy Voodoo Pills Diary – Day 9

Last night I took my 9th pill. On Tuesday I weighed myself. 3 lbs. I’ve lost 3 lbs. But I practically fluctuate 3 lbs each day so this is hooey.  

I’ll weigh myself for the last time on Saturday for a final determination.

Happy Mardi Gras, y’all!

I woke up this morning to hear an NPR reporter talking about the Zulu parade in New Orleans. I thought I’d be really sad but instead I was wide awake and felt like it was Christmas! I blasted Mardi Gras tunes all the way to work and let the memories flood right in.

Mardi Gras in New Orleans is like a mix between Halloween and Christmas. Everyone decorates their homes during carnival season in purple, green and gold. Parades run through the neighborhoods for weeks before hand and families hurry to put the finishing touches on their costumes. The town shuts down (literally, schools and many businesses are closed) on Lundi Gras (fat Monday) and Mardi Gras (fat Tuesday) so that all can participate in the fun.

Jim and I usually travel to the Big Easy to take in Fat Tuesday in all its glory but this year things like planning and paying for a wedding got in the way. So we settled for having a mini Mardi Gras (and birthday celebration) at home!

It was amazing. Everyone dressed to the nines, the food was tremendous and the Pimm’s Cups were a huge hit! We even ordered a King Cake from a New Orleans bakery. Tradition stands that if you eat the piece of cake with a plastic baby in it, then you have to host next year’s bash. So: Emily and Matt, we’re looking forward to it! 

Unanimously voted: Mardi Gras King and Queen!

We have the most amazing group of friends here in the SL of C. Everyone had a blast and we couldn’t have been more pleased.

And because I am smiling all day with memories of Mardi Gras past, here is a photo of our gang last year. Can you guess who we’re dressed as?

 

I can’t wait for next year…we’re going as the cast from The Big Lebowski!

Crazy Voodoo Pills Diary – Day 4 & 5 Weekend Update

So Saturday was my first dress fitting. I weighed myself that morning cause it was technically the halfway point. No change. Not even in ounces (my scale is that precise). Booooo. Not only am I seven pounds over Ideal Wedding Day Weight, but the seamstress has to take my dress OUT a little bit! The good news is that wedding dresses cost a buttload of money for a reason: they make you look damn good. So I am OK with that.

Took pill number 6 last night…it’s a different color than the rest of them…so maybe that means I’ll lose 5-10 pounds in the next four days???

Crazy Voodoo Pills Diary – Day 3

So I am pretty sure that the whole appetite suppressant thing was all in my (hopeful) head. Yesterday I got hungry at my normal “I’m starving!” times. That’s OK though cause I was worried that I wouldn’t be eating enough to do crossfit.

Also, have you ever noticed that when you go on a fad diet or whatever, you are at first so committed that you are really really good? Like, I’m on these pills and I keep making healthy choices. So last night at the Jazz game to shake it up, I had Jim get me a popcorn. F this. I didn’t have any beer…but I don’t want to be totally unrealistic, so I scarfed down a popcorn. She said I can eat whatever I want!

Popped pill number three when I got home last night – no heartburn, yay! Still feeling a little bloated, still pretty sure I am at  my same weight (which sucks cause Saturday is my dress fitting).

Off to get a docket treat, diary!

Crazy Voodoo Pills Diary – Day 2

Hi diary. Still fat.

So I still think that there is a mild appetite suppressant in these things cause I ate a banana yesterday at my normal eat-a-banana time of 4:30 PM even though I wasn’t famished (which is why I even began implementing eat-a-banana time). When I got home from my second job (doesn’t that make me sound like a hard working American?) at the reading clinic, I again was not hungry! But eating the banana was good and necessary cause last night’s crossfit was INSANE.

I got home, finally famished, and ate my dinner. I took the second Voodoo pill and I got REAL bad heartburn. Like: “don’t touch me I have heartburn!” heartburn. (Sorry, Jim) But I am thinking that may be more a result of my throwing down the tomato based minestrone I had for dinner in like 5 seconds flat. Anyway, popped a pepcid and felt fine this morning.

Sidenote: I haven’t pooped in a few days. I’m not really “regular” anyway, but I hope this thing isn’t stopping me up!

Peace out, diary.

PS: I got real hungry about 10 this morning and ate my oatmeal that I didn't think I needed yesterday. Maybe appetite suppressant is all in my head?

Crazy Voodoo Pills Diary – Day 1

So last night immediately after dinner, Jim hovered over my ziploc baggy of pills and asked, "is it time?" So I took the big horse pill and washed it down with 5 oz of chunky (surprisingly not disgusting tasting) aloevera juice. Jim watched me and almost instantly asked me if I felt weird (and asked me again ten minutes later). Nope, not at all.

I woke up in the middle of the night to use the restroom and lay awake for nearly an hour wondering why I didn’t feel weird? I mean, with no laxative-like affect and seemingly no appetite suppressant (I def had an icecream sandwhich for dessert - it was low fat, back off)…how the hell is this supposed to work? I mean, it is called Japanese Herbal Detoxification for crying out loud.

Then I got to work, and it is after 10 AM and I am for the first time ever, not nearly gnawing on my arm out of hunger. So maybe there is an appetite suppressant? Well, if this is what it is, I’m screwed. I refuse to give up Crossfit and I need to eat in order to do it so…maybe I’ll just be able to fight the urge to snack for no reason?

See you tomorrow, diary.