Lula “the cutest” Tabery

After nearly two years of Jim convincing me that a puppy is what Molly needs, I gave in. Here she is in all her glory. Pretty stinking adorable, huh?

My Friend, The Novelist

So, Emily has written a memoir. Yeah she slipped that in between telling me about her day (she’s also a legal assistant), what she did last night (made dinner for her husband and walked her pups) and what she was up to today (arranging to have some junk in her backyard removed). It made me think, what passionate thing do I do in my spare time? I’m sure you know by now the answer is: watch reality television, yo! And I have nothing to show for it but my perfected Jersey shore accent.

Emily grew up in Salt Lake City as a non Mormon…actually, she grew up as a non anything really. Her family (like mine) didn’t place much importance on religion but let her and her brother know that it was out there and free for the partaking if that is what they wanted. Her stories of how she was treated completely different from and by her Mormon peers while growing up are quite hilarious…especially because there is absolutely NO evidence in her adult life that this had any negative effect on her. Every time she tells a story I tell her she should write these down. (Hint to Emily: I expect my freaking name in your acknowledgements, ya hear?)

I thought I’d share my favorite of her now written down memories here, you know, so you all can say you knew of her work before she made it big and moved to Greece to write full time and ignore the pee-ons who helped her get to where she will be.

Our neighbors across the street were, gulp, sigh, RENTERS.  Dun dun dun.  My mom explained that meant they didn’t OWN the home they lived in, they only paid RENT to live there.  Well, the renters had a dog.  A horrible, mean Chow Dog.  It was huge for a Chow with the fluffiest brown fur you’ve ever seen.  The animal would throw itself against the wooden fence that kept it from escaping onto the street and bark like a maniac, snarling with bits of snot and spit flying through the fence slats.  In the beginning, we would taunt the dog.  The owners were never home and we enjoyed running sticks along the wood fence to watch the animal lose its shit.  When my parents found out, they forbid us to tease the dog, and warned us to stay far, far away from “that animal.”

Jenny and I loved to ride down my street (an unpopulated hill, perfect for rolling things down) in my radio flyer.  We would pull it to the top and then sit in it together and squeal as gravity pulled us down.  We swore we could steer, but really it was just a death ride.  If a car came up the street at you, they had the option to swerve, or hit you.  Luckily, we had lots of swervers.

One summer day, it was my turn to pull the little red wagon up the hill.  This meant, Jenny got to ride in it.  We were singing, I can’t remember what, but we were happy, I didn’t even mind it being my turn to pull.  Then we heard it, from a yard five houses from mine, the snarl of the Chow Dog.

Jenny and I locked eyes.

“RUN!” she screamed, but she didn’t get out of the wagon, and I wasn’t leaving it behind, I loved that wagon so I held tight, screamed at the top of my lungs and ran, pulling the wagon so hard Jenny’s party-in-the-back-mullet flipped out behind her in the wind.  The Chow Dog was at our backs, snarling and snapping, I was screaming, Jenny seemed to be near hyperventilating.

“Run!  Run!  Run!  He’s biting at me!” she shrieked.  Her panic was as real as the screaming in my muscles, yet she didn’t get her ass out of the wagon.  The dog was nearly alongside us, jaws snapping as we screeched.

“RUN!” Jenny howled.  “RUN!  I’m PEEEINNNGGG!”  Wait what?  Peeing?  We were so close to my house, maybe one yard, running full speed, but my entire body began to shut down with laughter.  

“Peeeee‼!” Jenny screamed.

The dog was nashing it’s teeth at my side.  My screams had been replaced with hysterical laughter and an understanding that we were going to be chomped to death so I dropped the wagon handle, and ran.  Yep, I left Jenny, my only friend, to pee herself in the wagon and be Chow Dog chow, while I ran to safety, by climbing into the cherry tree in our front yard.

Amazingly, the dog chased me and left Jenny, sitting in the wagon, completely alone rather than chewing her face off.

My mother, hearing screaming was now out the front door.

“MOM!”  I yelled, pointing at the beast.  “Chow Dog!”

With lightening fast reflexes, my mother jumped on top of the family Datsun.  Jenny was wheezing from laughter, still sitting in the wagon in her pee pants a house away.

“KEVIN!” my mother screamed for my dad.  She was now kicking at the dog, as it nashed at her feet, from the hood of the Datsun.  (The car had a hole in the front seat floor, I was pretty sure it’s hood was not going to withstand this beating.)  “Kevin!”  The dog was growling at her, white, long slicks of slobber lacing the fur around its mouth.

Suddenly, the Renter/Chow Dog Owner appeared.

“I am so sorry.”  She said, gathering the dog via a collar that mysteriously appeared from within the beast’s fur.  “He really is a nice boy.”  She dragged him across the road gnashing and barking.

We never crossed the street near the Chow Dog fence again, at least until those Renters left.

Jenny, went home to change her shorts, but not before I peed mine laughing at her.  The wagon had to be dumped over and washed out, because she’d wet herself, and the wagon, so very thoroughly.  She swore it was out of laughter, but we both knew it was obviously in fear.  My mother, though, did not think this incident was funny for a very long time.

She’s going to want me to tell you that this is “very rough”, bla bla bla. Maybe it is, I have no idea. But what I do know is this: Memoirs and Mormons are two very hot subjects right now and girl better get a move on if she wants to be the first to combine them!

I love my Husband

Yeah, I’m going to get all gooey with it for a minute.

Jim and I were long distance for the first 9 months of our relationship and so seeing his name appear in my email inbox was all it took to get those honeymoon phase butterflies a flutter.

I wouldn’t say Jim is the most romantic person I know. I usually have to remind him of his duty to get me flowers or take me out on dates…but he still knows how to make me blush and smile with a one liner email…

From: Jim
Sent: Monday, June 13, 2011 10:56 AM
To: DMNT
Subject: I...

...love you, beautiful. :)

--
Jim

I’ve never been given the pet name “Beautiful” in any of my romantic relationships, this is completely Jim’s thing and it just makes me light up every single time J

A Jimism…ish

Aside from The Office and American Pickers, Jim and I share very little in common with regard to what we would like to watch on TV.

I’ll admit it: I like to watch Reality Crap TV. Anything on TLC or HGTV: Bridezillas, The Little Couple, House Hunters, Property Virgins. I also love me some train wreck TV in the form of: Orange Guidettes peeing in public, Cougars in Jersey starting fist fights in their living rooms, and a Gay Man with 4 Wives trying to live a normal life. Feel free to judge, Jim does.

Here’s Jim’s list of favorites: UFO Hunters, Monster Quest, River Monsters, Finding Big Foot (are you getting the pattern here?). Here’s the hilarious part (aside from the obvious fact that Jim is an atheist philosopher): We used to bond over Property Virgins but Jim decided that it was TOO SCRIPTED and refuses to watch it with me anymore.

Over the weekend we were studying in a coffee shop when Jim dropped a flyer into my lap: “9/11 Truthers”

Me: Uh huh, so?

Jim: I’m going to use this in my Conspiracy Theory class.

Me: When did you start teaching a Conspiracy Theory class?
Jim: I’m teaching it next fall. Still figuring out the course content.

Jim: (insert shit eating grin here) You know what that means…

Me: What?

Jim: More Mooooonster Quest!

Me: F*ck that.

Jim: I gotta find material to show in class‼

So now Jim is throwing this “I need to watch it for research” shit around on a nightly basis. Last night he threw a fit when I wouldn’t let him watch Finding Big Foot (Sister Wives was on, duh) and stomped into the guest bedroom to “kill baddies” on the iPad.

Come out, come out, wherever you are!

And see the young lady who fell from a star!

All the “Friends of Dorothy” were out and proud this past weekend in the good ole SL of C and it was the best yet. No really, it was. The parade broke a record of floats, attendants and HOTNESS for its 2011 run! Not to mention I decided to get all decked out in my Rainbow Brite costume which got me more hugs than if I was wearing nothing.  

Jim and I hosted our third annual Pride Ride where we served our friends up with doughnuts and mimosas and we decorated our bikes together in rainbow streamers for the ride downtown. Did I mention it was actually warm? Like in the 80’s, warm. It was glorious.

I just love all the camaraderie that is riding downtown to Pride. Not just the ten of us; but the honks from cars full of parade goers giving us a thumbs up. Or the little kid in the bike towed rickshaw saying, “their bikes are so pretty!” to his dad. Or the simple fact that that kid and his dad are on their way to the parade too.

Anyway, this year we had a very famous Grand Marshal and she rocked the house! The floats were bigger, better and gayer than ever and my feet and hands still hurt today from clapping, stomping and dancing for the entire two hours.

For the first time, Jim and I had enough energy to go to the festival afterward and I am so glad we did. Yeah, it was hot, yeah, the water line was longer than the beer line and yeah, there wasn’t exactly a plethora of shady spots to sit but the people watching was awesome. Where are all these gays during the rest of the year?? I’ve got to get in on the low down that is the gay scene here…these people are amazing!

This year’s theme was “Live, Love, Pride”. I am so PROUD to live in this community of amazing people. I just can’t wait for next year‼!

*Pictures are compliments of my very talented friend, Stephanie.

From the Chateau to the Chronic

For our honeymoon, Jim and I went down to Paso Robles for a few nights where we wine tasted by day and soaked in our private mineral spa by night. Then we headed back up to Calistoga where we stayed in the most adorable B&B, and dined at three of the best restaurants I have ever been to.

Instead of boring you with details that to be quite frank, are a little fuzzy, I thought I’d hand out awards…

Ledson wins Best Pourer

We passed Ledson winery each time we made a trip out to our wedding venue and each time someone in the car said, “holy shit! look at that mansion! let’s stop there on the way back!” and finally, we did. The guy who poured for us was amazing. He started by asking us what we all did for a living so he could adjust his humor accordingly. He was funny, catering, and incredibly knowledgeable about all the Ledson wines. In all my wine tasting experiences, this man was the best pourer I’ve had, hands down.

Justin Vineyards wins Least Likely to Let You Down

Justin is Jim’s favorite wine and so he was a little nervous that the rumors about the pourers being rude would ruin it for him. He walked in, totally star struck and was not disappointed in the least. I would also award Justin with Best Bathroom. It was like a resort in there: spacious, charming, way cool toilet that seemed to hover above the ground…

Mondo Cellars wins Best Underdog

The Mondo brothers bought the property back in the 90’s with dreams to one day quit Corporate America and become wine makers. And they made it. The economy crash has them quote: “hanging on by [their] teeth”, but they made it.

Chronic Cellars wins the Bullshit Award

Not because the wine wasn’t good (it was), and certainly not because the service at the tasting room sucked (they were great). They win the Bullshit Award because they claim that the name, Chronic Cellars comes from SoCal surfer lingo meaning: constantly good. HA! They have this awesome Dia De Los Muertos theme going on all over their walls and on their wine labels. Their top seller features a skeleton with incredibly bloodshot eyes…just sayin’…

J. Lohr wins Most Adorable

From the adorable tasting room cottage to the adorable retired bay area native pourer, this place rocked. The man pouring for us used to live in the San Jose area and when he and his wife were considering retirement, he got a job in J Lorh’s San Jose tasting room to pave the way for them to move to Paso Robles and live the wine and golf lovers dream. The cottage is smack in the middle of miles and miles of vines.

Tobin James wins Most Lively

Ok, bear with me here, I was not exactly seeing straight by the time we arrived here. In fact, I opted out of the tasting and signaled so to the giant Italian gentleman pouring and he said in his fresh off the boat accent, “Bullsheet!” and he slammed a glass down on the table for me. We then experienced rapid wine tasting fire (and dumping as I did as soon as he’d turn his back). The place was poppin’. From the busy tasting bar to the blaring country music, this is the place to begin your wine tasting extravaganza…not end it!

Chateau Montelena wins Most Unpretentious

If you’ve seen the movie Bottle Shock then you know that the Chateau is most famous for putting California wines on the map back in 1976 by winning a blind tasting against the French. The grounds are gorgeous, and that is an understatement. As we walked in through the giant solid wood doorway and passed by the extravagantly decorated private wine tasting rooms, we expected a snooty, ostentatious wine tasting experience. But what we got was a very cool dude in jeans who was happy to tell us as much or as little as we wanted to know about the winery’s great history.

Williamson wins Most Fun

We went to their tasting room in downtown Healdsburg and it was packed! Dawn and Bill, originally from Australia know how to pour a good time. The (complimentary) wine tasting is paired with various cheeses and meats and jams in order to give you an idea about what you would serve along with the wine. Dawn, Bill and a few other pourers operate bar style and so whenever your glass is empty, someone different is catering to your next pairing. I could have stayed here all afternoon…and they would have loved that.

Bear Republic (a microbrewery) wins Oh My God I’m At Bear Republic‼‼

As Justin Vineyards is to Jim, Bear Republic is to me. I’ve been in love with their Racer 5 IPA since I was old enough to drink, and I actually decide whether or not a bar is worth a return visit here in SLC based on if they carry it or not. We did their sampler tastings and ate at their amazing restaurant. This brewery made me so incredibly homesick.

The restaurants worth mentioning are The Girl and The Fig in Sonoma, Bistro Laurent in Paso and River’s End at, well, the Russian River’s end. All three are very different but spectacular! Here is a shot from our table at River’s End where we sipped on a 2001 Medlock Ames merlot that was INSANE.

Reason to love SLC #1.2

Miss City Weekly, ya’ll! Last night was the second annual Miss City Weekly pageant and it rocked the house!

Each year the Thursday before Pride, 5 “Tranimals” compete in talent and Q&A rounds for the crown and it is an absolute hoot. This year the venue was smaller but the DJ was off the hook. I had to pry myself away at 11 PM before the crown was even announced because I was about to turn into a (dancing) pumpkin.

The judges are significant faces and supporters of SLC’s amazing GLBT community and when they’re names are announced, the crowd just goes wild. In a hilarious, train wreck, queened-out way, it is so incredibly moving.

Royal Wedding? Eat Your Heart Out!

I may be biased, but I’m pretty sure I just had the best wedding ever (judging by all the posts on Facebook, of course).  It was magical, romantic, funny and one hell of a dance party.  I couldn’t have asked for anything more.

My friend Sarah took these amazing photos. She actually took nearly 400 photos, each one just as amazing as the few I’ve posted here. I know what you’re thinking, why did we even hire a photographer?? I’ll tell you why: because there is a very small handful of pictures from the reception on any of our guests’ cameras. Why? Cause they were all having way too much fun to snap photos...

No real significance here, I just wanted to show my bangin' makeup done by Meghan Braida...an extremely talented artist that I've known for nearly 20 years.  Ok, maybe I wanted to show my Crossfit guns I am so proud of too...

We were married at Kenwood Farms and Gardens which is a privately owned property that overlooks the Kenwood winery vines. John, the owner and chef is absolutely adorable.   

The theme was citrus. These simple center pieces turned out better than I could have ever imagined. And they were very inexpensive to boot!

Our guestbook was a whole bunch of corks that Jim and I have collected throughout our relationship. My sister in law, Connie is going to make them into a wreath for our wall. 

During our vows, Jim promised to forever pick up the dog poop from our yard! 

I think I may have broken a record with how many parents I have. Pam and Mike are on the right, and are my new in-laws!!!

Our photographer though that the light (and subject matter) of our wedding was so beautiful that he asked if we'd be OK with him using us as his portfolio. 

An incredible illustration of less is more...

There is so much more to say and show...but I'll just say this: everyone told me it would be a blur, that I'd remember very little and this is absolutely true. What I do remember is:

1. HUGS! Tons and tons of hugs. I felt like I was weaving through hugfest 2011 and I loved it.

2. Dancing. Everyone was dancing. Our parents, friends, relatives and even my grandma!

3. Photobooth. Everyone should have a photobooth at their wedding. From my three year old niece to the folks in their 60's - everyone LOVES a photobooth. 

4. Our last dance. Our last dance was Home by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros. Jim heard this song over a year ago and thought that it's message (feeling as if "home" is wherever the person you love is) was symbolic of how he feels about us. I know, swoon. Anyway, it's upbeat and infectious rhythm had us thinking that it would be a perfect last dance. By the end of it, we were all in layers of circles, holding hands, dancing, clapping and laughing. It was after-school-special cheesy and incredibly moving.  

Soooo typical, Dexter.

Why am I at home writing a blogpost instead of on the road, wedding dress in tow? Oh because Dexter got in a scuffle yesterday and woke up this morning with one half of his face looking like the freaking Nutty Professor.

Well, really, I'd still be here because Jim had to work part of today but: I'm going to be here later than I wanted because since we had to take Mr. Bully to the doctor this morning, all our last minute errands (Micheal's, King's Jewelers, Electric Beach Tanning) must be done after Jim gets back...so I sit here...waiting...contemplating...killing my cat.

Here's a picture of him under the bed where he's been since we got back from the vet. Because, get this: HE'S pissed at ME because I let the mean doctor give him a shot in his tush. Ungrateful child.

I'll miss you, baby!

Before I Leave To Go Get Married...

I just have two, unrelated things to talk about before I embark on what will likely be a two week hiatus from the world wide web.

1. If I could give any advice to a bride, it would be this: write and send thank you cards the second you get a gift. These days most people shop online for gifts and send them directly to the giftee's house. I've literally been writing 1-3 thank you cards per week for the last few months and it has made my life so much easier. 

2. Last night I ended up having a sort of impromptu bachelorette party with my SLC girlfriends. Ok, so I mass texted anyone with a vagina asking them to come drink with me, but whatever. What I thought (seriously, I did) was going to be a few cocktails and then some burgers at Fat's, turned into hella beers and three shots of jager and then having pizza delivered to the freaking bar. WOW, it was so much fun! Except for that jager part which was not so much fun later. Thanks to an AMAZING group of ladies that I am so lucky to have met here in the SL of C. Here's to making more ladies' nights happen!

And that's about how good my vision was by the end of the night...